It's been a while again...

It's been a few months since my last post here. I really do need to get better at this blog thing! Anyways. A fair bit has happened since my last post. I've moved back to Sweden again, to my hometown. I have my own cozy 1 room apartment a couple of buildings away from where my parents live and I'm feeling very much at home here. Healthcare has been a minor disaster since I came back to Sweden though. I was on Fentanyl patches for pain management when I moved from Denmark, but the doctors here denied to prescribe it to me without seeing my medical files due to it being such a strong medicine which has gotten some negative attention in the news in Sweden lately because there are some blasted idiots out there who abuse the patches and smoke them- it has resulted in a couple of deaths. Needless to say, that causes a lot of issues for those of us out there who actually NEED the patches for dealing with chronic pain. Out of the things I have tried for my pain, the patches has been working the best and given me the least side effects. They are highly addictive but I am immune to it. When I feel I can do without painkillers, I just take the patch off and don't put a new one on, I get no withdrawal symptoms whatsoever. Apart from the lack of proper pain relief, my medical files from Denmark still hasn't arrived at my clinic here in Sweden. My clinic here ordered my files back in February and still nothing. I've given up now and told the doctors here that screw it, we're going back to square one now. Said and done, things are finally beginning to happen! Referral has been sent to Occupational therapist which I am seeing next week, on May 3rd and that will mean finally getting bracing and aid that I need to have available at home to be less limited in my daily life. Also going to see some orthopedic specialist to get knee braces, the OT wasn't sure such a referral had been sent for me so she was going to check with my doctor as the OT doesn't do knees. I will discuss a wheelchair with the OT. I have been considering it for a while because of how my legs and back behaves some days. I know some are totally supporting that decision and some are totally against it, but I am not anyone else than me, and I do firmly believe having one around would be useful some days. I don't cope with pain as well as some I know do, and I'm not afraid of accepting the help I can get. It's not a "I give up" but a "I refuse to let bad days have me stranded at home". I shall not let my body limit me! Other than that, referral for EDS testing is or has been sent as well. Danish doctors said I don't have EDS, but most people I have talked with on Facebook in various EDS groups, agrees that I'm a school book example of EDS and if I am indeed diagnosed here in Sweden, some doctors in Denmark will be reported for malpractice! To be quite honest. I should be asleep now. But I just can't sleep! Too much going on in my head. I did try to fall asleep for a while but ended up getting back onto computer to write this post... I'm having a heavy heart tonight... Spent the past few hours crying a fair bit and thinking about life in general... Came to the conclusion that I have no intention to reach an old age, or well, I came to that conclusion a long time ago really... But tonight I've been thinking more about it. I will choose to end it one day, when my quality of life is too low and/or I can no longer take care of myself. I'd rather be dead that live in a nursing home and depend on others! I want to live, not just exist. Umm, ok now the whole internet knows about that. But at least I got my head cleared a bit! Maybe I can get some sleep now?