Rest In Peace Lizzie, my lovely grandmother!

So, I haven't blogged for a while. Have been both busy and in a lot of pain lately.
As I told you a few blog posts ago, my grandmother had a stroke in May that left her right side paralyzed and unable to talk. A few days after her stroke she developed a pneumonia which happens all so often in elderly people as soon as they get bed bound and/or weakened.
Mum and I went to visit my grandmother at the hospital every weekend at least, and while my parents were out of town in their camper to have a week long vacation in early June, I went to the hospital to visit my grandmother myself, meeting up with my uncle at the hospital. This was on June 8th. My uncle was already in the room when I arrived and we sat there for a while together, holding my grandmother's hands. After a while my uncle left to go home, but I stayed as I always wanted to stay for as long as possible every time I went, seeing it was a 50 mile drive each way and I can't drive very much or very often these days.

Little more than an hour after my uncle left, I noticed my grandmother's breathing changed so I called for the nurse to come. I knew my grandmother wouldn't live much longer at the time, I had heard it before, with my adoptive grandmother back in 1999. The nurse came in and confirmed it wasn't going to be long. I called my uncle and while I talked with my uncle on the phone, I saw how my grandmother's pulse was no longer visible and the nurse couldn't find it any longer. My grandmother Lizzie, died shortly after 6pm on June 8th, with her only grandchild holding her hand and she was surrounded by love until the very end. She went very peacefully.

Many, including myself believe my grandmother had been waiting for me to be there with her, and waited until my uncle had left before she died. She knew I had been in the situation before with my adoptive grandmother when I was much younger and that I could handle it, and she knew my uncle wouldn't have been able to handle it.

I am so grateful I was able to be there for her until the very end! I wouldn't have blamed myself had I not been there due to the distance and not knowing when she was going to pass. But I am so grateful I was there! My mum and uncle are also very grateful that I was there until the very end, it's a reassurance for us all to know my grandmother went peacefully and was surrounded by love from a close family member.

I am not traumatized by what I saw, nor was I after my adoptive grandmother passed away in 1999, but I do feel a sad relief, as do my mum and uncle and others who were close to my grandmother. Of course I miss my grandmother, I miss her a lot! But I miss the Lizzie she was before her May 9th stroke. I miss the Lizzie who was so full of life, independent and always knitting or making advanced cross stitch work even at 85. The stroke took away everything that was her, it took away her ability to talk, her ability to work with her hands, her ability to talk about memories and experiences. Before the stroke she had a very bright mind, a way with words and very good eyes for her age. The only age related issue she had really was slightly impaired hearing.
Seeing in what state the stroke left her, unable to do anything herself or even communicate with words, and with no hope of recovery, falling into forever sleep and going to God was the most humane for her.

I'm an atheist, but my grandmother was a long time member of the Salvation Army, she wasn't a soldier but a member. Death to her was "going home to be with God" and while I don't share the religious beliefs, I find peace in her view of it, knowing she wasn't afraid.

Mum and I went to the flower shop this afternoon to order our flower wreath for the funeral. The funeral for my grandmother will be held on July 12th. Long time between my grandmother's passing and her funeral you may think, but here in Sweden it is very common to hold the funeral 2-5 weeks something after someone has passed away. It gives you time to arrange everything the way the deceased want or may have wanted their funeral, and it gives you time to get a grasp of the situation. The reason it takes this long before my grandmother's funeral is because the Salvation Army captain is on vacation at the moment, and we specifically want him to hold the funeral as we have good contact with him and he even visited my grandmother at the hospital, and he was beyond honored to be asked to hold the funeral and he wants to do it so we're waiting for him to come back from his vacation. But even had we chosen another Salvation Army captain (we had one other we could have asked) the funeral date would have maybe only been one week earlier, so we choose to wait.

As I mentioned above. I'm not traumatized by what I've seen, I've been through it before, little less than 14 years ago when I wasn't even 14 years old yet. Mentally I'm fine, physically I'm shattered from all the traveling and all the stress and uncertainty while my grandmother was in hospital.

I got 16 amazing years with my biological grandmother, and I'm extremely grateful for that, and the fact we got so close! Mum always knew she was adopted and I always knew I had a biological grandmother somewhere in Sweden. In 1997 mum found her and she had been waiting for 43 years for my mum to make contact, and she had known about me since 1990. My mum and my grandmother caught up for the lost years and mum also feels she got 16 amazing years with her biological mum and she's very grateful for everything.

The loss is great, but it's a sad relief...

Rest In Peace, Lizzie Andersson 1928.02.28- 2013.06.08 I will always love and remember you, my lovely grandmother! <3 p="">

Some random updates

I haven't blogged for a little while, haven't been feeling very well at all. All the traveling back and forth to the hospital 50 miles away, each way, is whacking me up physically big time, and add the stress of having a close relative being in a critical condition in said hospital, and according to the nurses, there's only one way out of it- my grandmother will eventually die from the complications of her stroke and pneumonia, the question is just when it will happen. Each time we go visit her may be the last time we see her alive.

I'm really struggling at the moment, all the driving and traveling is causing so much pain and fatigue I'm resting most of the time when I'm at home and have been very close to going to the ER a few times lately due to the amount of pain I'm in, have had a lot of flares in my neck and still don't know what's the cause of it. I'm going out for a while in my town tomorrow though, the high school has the graduation tomorrow afternoon so I'm going there to have a look even though I don't know anyone who's graduating. Will also wheel past the town hall to hand in my application for handicap parking badge on the way, got the doctors note for it today, along with the document for the patient. Hope I will get the badge very fast, it would make it so much easier with parking when I'm out with car, especially when I'm driving and can't be dropped off. Parking outside the hospital in Gothenburg is an utter nightmare most of the time! Only very few parking spaces are accessible for me out of the regular parking spots near the building where my grandmother is. With a badge I'd be allowed to park just outside the door and not have to take a risk rolling down a steep slope, or get out of my chair to walk up the same slope. I could lose control going down, or fall when walking, plus going up a slope like that causes a lot of pain. I don't even need a slope to fall for that matter. I fell just outside my apartment door less than 2 weeks ago, I stood up to open my door and then crashed to the floor. I always walk into my apartment because my door doesn't have one of those grab bars on it, so it's difficult to close if sitting in the wheelchair...

Hoping to be able to go visit my grandmother again this weekend. My parents are going out on a 1 week vacation in their camper so I'll have to drive on my own if I am to go to the hospital. Everyone agreed that my parents should go on their vacation as planned, as we know already there's no hope of recovery for my grandmother. There's no reason to set your life on pause! Even if my parents are home, we may still not make it into the hospital on time if they call us to say my grandmother has gotten worse. We do go visit as often as we can anyways.

Oh, and I have a frog living in my chest... Rapid heart rate galore! In the 120's when sitting down and jumping to over 150 upon standing up a couple of days ago, and I had a hard time getting it below 100 after that. Yesterday was slightly better and today I haven't worn my sports watch with pulse monitor belt so I don't know. At least I do know very well that I have issues with ANS and possible POTS, so I am careful and listen to my body, having more salt and fluids if needing it.