I've had enough!

I've had enough of people trying to rule my life in one way or another. The only one deciding what I do with my body and with my life is me!

I've had enough of being looked down upon because of medicines I take or aid I use, I don't take anything for fun nor do I use aid for attention or for fun, I take my medicines and use certain aid items because I need it, either to manage better or to just cope at all.

I'm not on the internet as much as I used to be, and that's my choice. I have real life friends near me and family and I feel it's them I want to spend my time with now. In the past few weeks I've even considered leaving Twitter, but have decided I'm just taking a break and not tweeting for now.

I'm physically struggling at the moment, and I'm feeling emotionally run down. I don't feel depressed or anything like that, just emotionally exhausted due to some things that has happened and which I'm not going to share any details about on here.

On top of being hit by the pain train badly almost every day, and the emotional exhaustion, my insomnia is worse than ever and I rarely fall asleep before like 6 in the morning, sleep bad and wake up a lot.

I can't take any more now...

I only really talk with a couple of close friends online, and one real life friend at the moment all three are friends I can trust and that don't judge, they like me for who I am, and when they need me, I'm always there for them, and of course I have regular contact with my parents even though I don't go to them daily, I mind my own at home... Other than that, people don't see me a whole lot. I spend my time at home, reading books, watching TV, cuddling with my cat and enjoying the sound of silence around me unless I have a friend over and just have a lot of fun playing Rayman raving rabbids on my PS2. I do things that makes me happy and relaxed.

I have some plans for what I want to do in the next few months, but need to get some things in place before going ahead with any of it...

I've been back in my hometown for a year now anyways, this past Saturday was the 1 year anniversary actually. I'm glad I'm back home and near family and friends instead of having to travel for hours to see any of them. It actually feels like I have more of a life now than I did in Denmark where I only talked with workmates at work, outside of work I didn't have any real life social life.

Now I shall watch Oprah and might even get to watch Rachael Ray before feeling sleepy enough to fall asleep without taking sleeping aid. Oprah just started, Rachel is on in about an hour... It's nearly 5 in the morning as I'm finishing this post and I'm not even yawning.

Looks like I have no choice...

Other than against my will agree to having a foreign object in me... Gynecology clinic refuses to let me have an ablation despite it being MY wish to have one and I AM aware of the risks it may come with. They say I'm too young for the procedure to be considered and keep prompting on the hormone coil which I DO NOT WANT! But seems I have no choice but agreeing on one as that seems to be my only way to possibly be period free. But I will warn them, that if I have ANY complications from the coil, I WILL report the clinic to the moon and back! Had this been America, I could have sued them to the moon and back, but it sadly doesn't work that way here so doctors can get away with anything... The letter I got today did say that I can be under general anesthetic while a coil is being inserted, and that is the minimum requirement for me to even consider one of those things. And I'm also going to insist on proper pain relief afterwards should it be needed. My EDS is causing enough pain all over to deal with as it is, without being in even more pain from having a foreign object in me as well, stabbing from inside, I have cramps doing that anyways, without the foreign object.
I explained to the gynecologist last week that I am NEVER going to be pregnant or have a biological child in any way, I do not need to be able to then, EVER! I want a permanent or at least semi permanent solution. Seriously, fuck age! I've already had half my life ruined by cramps and periods, I've had enough, more than enough and I really can't take it any longer!

Rambles of an insomniac...

So here I'm laying in bed, been trying to fall asleep for quite some hours now but end up just tossing and turning so decided to turn on laptop and just write this blog post and hopefully manage to sleep afterwards...

Guess I'm feeling a bit uneasy about Wednesday... I have an early morning appointment with a gynecologist to discuss my troublesome periods and what to do about them. I have some pretty big decisions to make regarding what to do. I have a few options to consider... Keep taking Cerazette like I am now and bleed for up to about 3 weeks at a time but little every day, take nothing and bleed heavily and have periods for up to 10 days and the lovely hormonal migraines, try a rather expensive hormone coil that could be heaven once the hell of having it inserted is over, or it could be absolute hell causing more problems than benefits, or I can keep pushing for having surgery: balloon burning of the tissue inside the uterus or incomplete hysterectomy.

Everything has pro and cons but one thing I know for sure is, going without hormonal treatment or surgery is NOT an option!

I also know for sure that I will never want to be pregnant and give birth to a child, so by all means, I don't need to be able to either...

So yeah, pretty big decisions to make in a couple of days... I know, it's a pretty private subject to bring up on a blog, but come on, I know I'm not the only woman out there having issues with periods and needing to decide what to do about it long term. Periods is something most women have, some don't have issues with it and some do...

This whole thing is currently keeping me awake, and it's taken me over an hour to get this post written... Don't know how many times I've deleted most of the text and re-written it differently. Guess I just needed to get it off my shoulders... Hopefully I can fall asleep now at last, it's pretty damn late :/

Happy 2013!

2012 has come to an end and we survived the apocalypse that was supposed to happen in December according to the Mayans. Today is January 1st 2013 and I'm typing this post on my phone while resting on the sofa. Wild night last night you might think but that isn't the case at all! I had no alcohol at all last night, only some alcohol free cider and alcohol free bubbly to cheer in the new year.
I celebrated last night with my parents and we just had a three course dinner while watching Le Grand Cabaret du Monde on French TV5 Monde. For starter we had tomato and mozzarella, main course was oven baked potatoes and filet of beef and a portobello mushroom gravy and for dessert I had whipped together a vanilla pannacotta topped with pomegranate.

I had been hoping to say "pain is so last year!" but sadly the pain I lived with decided to make it into 2013 as well and 2013 has definitely gotten a painful start. I'm in agony today and have had to resort to rapid acting today, just the second time I have given in and taken rapid acting since I got long acting in November, so today is bad! Normally I just tough it out when I'm in more pain than my usual.

So now I'm waiting for the rapid to kick in, resting on the sofa while watching sports on TV and in little more than an hour I'm going to watch one of my all time favorite movies: The wizard of Oz! It's such a lovely movie and amazingly well made, especially considering it was filmed over 70 years ago now, it's still better than many movies made today! I don't know how many times I've watched The wizard of Oz but I just never get tired of it and try to watch it at least once per year, usually around Christmas or New Years.

Now I shall continue hugging the plushie pandas that I have on my and try not to cry before the movie begins. Might try to drag myself home soon too, and spend the afternoon with my cat instead of being with my parents. The big issue is, the pain is so bad I can barely walk at all!